River City Classifieds
by Marianne Greenleaf
Summary: What might Harold Hill, Marian Paroo and the denizens of River City wish to seek via advertisement? A joint humor fic co-written with Emery Saks. Now with bonus second chapter!
1. River City Classifieds

_This little fic was written jointly with Tmyres77 and grew from an LJ writing challenge: write a classified ad for your character. That got us thinking – what might Harold Hill, Marian Paroo and the denizens of River City wish to seek via advertisement?_

XXX

WANTED: Reliable shill.

Charming, engaging and easy on the eyes. Look trustworthy? All the better. A sharp mind and silver tongue will work in your favor, but you have to be comfortable playing first chair to my conductor. Must be quick on your toes and ready to pick up and leave at a moment's notice. If you can keep a steady balance in the midst of chaos and possible pursuit by the law, meet me at Smith's Boarding House near supper time.

Ask for Harold.

XXX

WANTED: A White Knight.

Gorgeous but misunderstood librarian seeks white knight to walk with her while the others ride by and to love till the day she dies. The ideal candidate does not have to be a Lancelot or an angel with wings. Qualities most sought after are plainness, modesty, quietness, gentleness, straightforwardness and honesty. Interest in Shakespeare and Beethoven also a plus, as is willingness to sit together in a cottage somewhere in Iowa.

Must provide at least three reliable character references. Charming but fraudulent traveling salesmen need not apply. Ask for Marian the Librarian, but do not sing it so loud the entire library can hear you!

XXX

WANTED: The Lady Who Knows What Time It Is.

Me: charming traveling salesman who values his independence and won't be in town long. You: gorgeous gal with a touch of sin who gives the affirmative for a few "moonlight strolls" without spinning webs, tying knots, or requiring a march down the aisle afterward. Sadder but wiser girls with virtue too late to save are preferred. Definitely NOT seeking: wholesome innocent Sunday school teachers, bright-eyed blushing breathless baby-doll babies, dewy young misses, lasses with delicate airs.

Eligible applicants can stop by Jacey Squires' livery stable after eight tonight – make sure to close the doors tightly behind you!

XXX

WANTED: Eligible Bachelor.

Elderly matron seeking suitable husband for beautiful, educated but bookish daughter. Must be willing to look beyond prim exterior to see the Irish lass within. Meek suitors need not apply. Singing schoolteachers, buggy owners and library patrons are welcome. Fine looking traveling salesmen who enjoy strawberry phosphates highly encouraged.

If interested, please call at the large Victorian home on the corner of West Elm in the evening hours.

XXX

WANTED: A Better Place to Canoodle.

Relatively innocuous teen inexplicably regarded as town disgrace needs private but decent place to meet with shrill but endearing girl he is going steady with behind her father's back (he would rather be doing it in front of his back). Somewhere better than the footbridge, lumberyard or gigantic copy of Romeo and Juliet – I already tried all those. The Candy Kitchen was also a disaster – great honk!

Suggestions can be covertly passed through the bookshelf of the Drama section at Madison Public Library.

XXX

WANTED: Dancers.

Ladies looking to contribute to the arts in River City are encouraged to join the Ladies Dance Committee Thursday night in the high school gymnasium. Our Mayor's wife, Eulalie Mackecknie Shinn, will discuss her ideas for the upcoming season and solicit opinions if she feels it necessary. While everyone is welcome, please remember that not every lady bespeaks Delsarte and therefore cannot be selected for the dance group. However, we gladly welcome all seamstresses and those wishing to lend their support.


	2. Ask Ms Greenleaf

_A/N – I am excessively fond of reading advice columns, particularly Dear Prudence. So naturally, I got the nutty idea to explore how a modern advice columnist might have attempted to counsel River City-ziens, if they had anonymously sought help with their various dilemmas! Hopefully you will find this as amusing as I did…_

XXX

ASK MS. GREENLEAF

Dear Ms. Greenleaf,

For the first time in my life, I don't know what path to choose: love, or my career. My job is both lucrative and exciting, and involves a great deal of travel. But not staying in one town for very long isn't conducive to settling down and starting a family, and until one month ago, I never wanted any kind of long-term relationship, let alone children! (I did the best I could to avoid this dilemma by only getting involved with women who also preferred to keep things casual.) But on my current assignment, I met the most wonderful woman, and have fallen head over heels in love with her. She's intelligent, good, kind, witty, spirited, and drop-dead gorgeous – I've never felt this strongly about anyone. But the catch is that she's dead-set on the "white picket fence" lifestyle. And she also has serious reservations about my line of work, so I'd have to give that up entirely if I wanted any kind of future with her. Although I'm open to exploring my options, I'm not sure I have the skillset to successfully change careers this late in the game (I'm approaching middle age). But I can't give her up – I've met a lot of women in my travels, and I know I'll never find anyone like her again. I don't have much time left to make a decision, as I'm only going to be in town a few more days, maybe a week at most. So what should I do?

~Ladykiller in Love

Dear Ladykiller,

Ah, the age-old dilemma of love vs. career! Unfortunately, I cannot give you an easy answer, as every situation is different. As an outside observer, I will point out a few things that raised my eyebrow. You've only known each other for a month, which is a very short time period to contemplate giving up a career that you've had for a very long time. Unfortunately, you don't have the opportunity to stay and get to know each better, due to the nature of your work. A period of separation or a long-distance relationship could be beneficial, but might not work due to your new love's objections to your career – which raises another red flag. Both partners need to be willing to compromise to make a relationship work. You've demonstrated admirable willingness to uproot your life for her – what's she willing to do to meet you halfway?

I would suggest you start by making a list of the pros and cons of each course of action, to organize your thoughts. The right path for you may become clear in the course of doing this exercise. But if you find that you are still in just as much of a dither, put the list aside and sleep on it for a day or two. Just before you're due to leave town, take out the list and look it over with fresh eyes. Most likely, the answer will reveal itself.

~MG

XXX

Dear Ms. Greenleaf,

Normally, I'm very capable of handling my problems on my own, but in this instance, I don't know where to turn. The trouble started a few weeks ago, when a fly-by-night salesman arrived to town and immediately set about trying to sell the product he's hawking. While he hasn't overtly broken the law, I have a bad feeling that he's promising more than he can deliver – and that he knows this! I tried warning the mayor and the school board, but they didn't take me very seriously – the whole town fell under his spell when he presented at the general assembly.

To make matters worse, the salesman seems to have developed an attraction to me. The first time I saw him, he followed me home and tried to flirt with me. He wasn't dissuaded by my firmly ignoring him, and didn't go away until I slammed my front door in his face. And even then, that didn't stop him from trying again later. Just yesterday, I came upon him in my back yard, helping my mother fold the laundry. Not only did she not mind letting him get his hands on our private undergarments (I'm going to have to count them to make sure he didn't steal any!), she was just as taken with him as everybody else is. But the worst incident was when he came right into my place of employment and persisted in causing a ruckus even after my repeated reprimands for him to be quiet, and to top it all off, he gave me a very unwanted kiss on the cheek before exiting the building!

Ideally, I would love to make this awful man leave town. But if that isn't possible, I'll settle for getting him to leave me alone! As no one will listen to me, what can I do?

~Fed Up Librarian

Dear Fed Up,

Your dilemma is truly worrying, and not unlike poor Cassandra's – no one heeded her warnings until it was too late! Not only are you dealing with a potential conman, you are also having to fend off the advances of a stalker.

Fortunately, the strategy for handling both situations is similar: document, document, document. Get a notebook and write down every detail of your encounters with this salesman: what happened, what was said, the date and time it occurred, if there were any witnesses, etc. I showed your question to a lawyer colleague of mine, and he said that although it is unlikely you will be able to prove the salesman is doing anything illegal when it comes to his livelihood, he has definitely crossed the line not just into sexual harassment, but assault. What's especially concerning is that the most flagrant violation occurred at your place of employment!

Once you've documented everything that has happened, take your notes to the police and file for a restraining order. While this may not halt your stalker's pursuit, it will start a paper trail that will put him under the microscope of the law. You should also give a copy of your notes to your Human Resources department. They are compelled by law to provide a safe working environment, and at the very least, they should ban the salesman from the premises. If after due diligence, they refuse to help you (or worse, lack a comprehensive policy on dealing with sexual harassment), you will have more than enough ammunition to take your case to court. All this negative publicity will shine a bright light on this slimy salesman and reveal him for what he truly is, and with any luck, he'll be forced to slither away and leave both you and your town in peace.

~MG

XXX

Dear Ms. Greenleaf,

I am a widow whose husband passed away two years ago. My daughter is an intelligent and practical woman who works very hard to support me and her brother, as I can no longer work and her brother is still a boy. She lives with us even though she is in her mid-twenties, which I don't mind at all. Although we have a loving and companionable relationship, she can be a bit distant at times, and I fear she is unhappier than she is letting on. I know my daughter is lonely and looking for love, though she won't admit it. I would love to see her married and happy – what mother doesn't want that for her daughter? – but she refuses to let any man get close enough to say so much as a friendly "hello." She can be a bit prickly and blunt, and this has also kept her from making friends easily.

I've gently tried to advise her that she might want to be a little more tactful in her dealings with people, but anything I say is met with criticism and dismissal. Recently, a nice young man has been showing quite a bit of interest in her, and is not all put off by her stubbornness – it only seems to increase his determination to win her over. He would be perfect for her, but she continues to reject him. How can I get her to see that she is throwing away what could be her best – and last – chance at love?

~Anxious Mama

Dear Anxious,

As a mother myself, I understand how difficult it can be to watch one's child make a big mistake – particularly when you are so much older and wiser and have the benefit of many more years of life experience under your belt to inform your seasoned perspective. That said, your daughter is a grown-up who is entitled to make her own decisions, especially regarding who she wants to date. And although your daughter is supporting you, it might be better for your relationship if she does not indefinitely remain beneath your roof, regardless of whether she finds love or not. As a mother, you are no doubt familiar with the concept of tough love. So from mother to mother – butt out of your daughter's love life.

~MG

XXX

Dear Ms. Greenleaf,

I've been dating this great girl for awhile, and we both like each other very much, so much that we've agreed not to see anyone else but each other. But we have a big problem – her father hates me and has forbidden us to continue dating! He says I am not good enough for her. I come from a lower-class family and I'm not exactly what you would call a model student, but I've never been in serious trouble and I don't have a criminal record. I know I'm not exactly Prince Charming, but I have been trying harder to bring my grades up (my girlfriend has been tutoring me in Shakespeare) and I'm seriously thinking about what kind of job I want to do someday and would be good at – and more importantly, would support a wife and family. In the meantime, what can I do to win her father over?

~Romeo and Juliet Torn Apart

Dear Romeo,

First of all, let me commend you for working hard to better yourself despite difficult circumstances. But you don't need to be Prince Charming, or even Romeo. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, so don't worry too much about settling on a career or the woman you want to marry until you've taken some time and explored your options.

You probably don't want to hear this, but given that the two of you are below the age of majority (or so I'm assuming), your relationship does not have great odds of surviving even in the most encouraging of atmospheres. And as unfair as her father's disapproval of you may be, it presents a pretty formidable obstacle to a successful relationship, despite how much you and your girlfriend might like each other. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to give each other up, but you might want to consider dialing back the intensity of your relationship. If you haven't had sex with your girlfriend yet, don't start now, as that will make the situation with her father even more difficult if and when he finds out (and if you are having sex, make sure to take precautions by doubling up on birth control methods!).

Still, regardless of her father's opinion, he will not be able to stop the two of you from pursuing a relationship when you both turn 18 (emphasis on _both_, as some parents are not above using statutory rape laws to get rid of an unwanted boyfriend!). But until then, tread carefully.

~MG

XXX

Dear Ms. Greenleaf,

There's this boy I like, but he doesn't like me back no matter what I do. I've tried being nice to him and complimenting him and even invited him to my party, but he either doesn't say anything or runs away! His sister says I must be very patient with him, but she also says that I'll have lots of time for sweethearts, and maybe it will be someone else. But I can never love anyone else! How can I get him to love me, too? He's really shy and has a lisp, by the way.

~Wilting Flower

Dear Wilting,

Goodness, you sound even younger than Romeo! Still, whatever your age, it always hurts when you love someone who doesn't love you back. But try as you might, you can't make someone love you back. It is okay to feel sad and cry about this. Though it might not seem like it right now, there will come a time where your tears will stop falling and you'll feel happy again.

~MG


End file.
